


Who I Am

by makeoutlarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Harry is Harry, M/M, book lovers, larrystylinson, let them love, louis is sad, louisandharry, love and pain, turn the page
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 06:41:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9111076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makeoutlarry/pseuds/makeoutlarry
Summary: Louis is trying to figure out who he is and Harry is everything he didn't see coming





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [inkedfondness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkedfondness/gifts).



> okay this is my first time using ao3 and I swear I'll get better. also, it's been a while since I've written anything but here we go!

The sound of stiff, yellowed pages gliding and sliding echoed through the small room. The room barely fit the hospital bed and the fancy machines next to it, but Louis insisted on having the nurse squeeze a table to put some books on and a small foldable chair for himself against the wall. He needed to be there, he needed to make sure that they were still breathing; even if it were the most painful thing for him to hear, at least the tiny gasp of air was there, at least there was still blood pumping in those veins and oxygen in those lungs. There were days where it was the faintest hitch of breath, barely audible, so infrequent that Louis spent most of the day holding his own breath. But there were other days where heavy, staggered breathing filled the room. Sometimes he had to leave the room because it was just too loud and filled with too much pain. But he could still hear it in the hallway. It was a ragged croak, a wheeze that shook the whole hospital. That sound was unlike anything Louis had ever heard. The sound of someone you loved dying.  


———  


"Here we are," the landlord stopped and held out the key in front of a chipped, red door with a crooked template that read '5B' hanging by one nail. He was one of those people that looked old because of the wrinkles by their eyes and the laugh lines near their mouth. Louis had also also noticed a bald spot on the back of his head on their way up the stairs. He wondered if the man knew that he had it at all. Louis wasn't going to ask.

He took the key with a tight smile and thanked the landlord. "Anything you need, my numbers on the refrigerator. You sure you don't need help with your boxes?"

"I'll manage, thanks though." Louis replied, knowing he had just saved the man from a week of back pains. He had enough books packed to fill a small library.

Louis unlocked the red door—his door, then made his way to the stairway, running his fingers along the bumpy walls. His arms were spread out wide while he walked, as if he was waiting for the biggest hug of his life. He reached the end of the hallway and stopped to look out of the window. Pausing right then and there and closing his eyes, taking a deep breath. _In._ Slowly, he opened his eyes and let out a stream of air between his pursed lips. _Out._ He stood perfectly still, something he had become quite good at, and looked out the window. There were skyscrapers in the distance—a few of the really tall skyscrapers had dark clouds covering the top of them so Louis couldn't see their tips. He saw the blur of colors rushing by on the freeway and thought of all the tiny people in their cars. He heard the rustling of trees in the wind and the coos of city birds. Louis stuck his head out of the window frame, he took it all in and let it set. This was his new home.

This was his chance to start over.  


———  


Louis looked up at his ceiling that shone brighter than ever at night. He'd been trying to successfully count all of the sticky glow-in-the-dark stars since he was 7. Three years later and he still never got past 68 before giving up. He wondered who put them up there, they had been on his ceiling for as long as he could remember. Did they know how many stars there were?

His mother brushed his bangs away from his pink face and kissed him three times, one on each eye and once on his forehead. Just like she did every night. She then pulled out the yellow rocking chair that sat in the corner next to his bed and picked up the book that Louis had chosen and laid on his bedside table sometime during that day. Just like she did every night. Tonight's was _Little Women._ She thumbed through the book trying to find the place she had left off last time. Louis closed his eyes and listened to that sound, his favorite in the world. The ruffling of the pages turning. The soft dragging noise of his mothers small fingers located the page. 

"You ready, love?" Louis nodded, smiling upon hearing his mum's soothing reading voice. Another one of his favorite sounds.

He lay there with his eyes shut and a faint smile still on his lips as he listened to his mother and imagined the four March sisters skipping around their house. He lay like that for a while until his mother's voice drifted farther and farther away and suddenly he was sleeping.  


———  


'buzzz'

The sound of the doorbell echoed in the half empty apartment. Louis heard it, he really did. But he decided to let whoever was at the door wait and if it really was important then they'd ring again.

'buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'

The person at the door kept their finger on the button longer this time. Louis groaned and used his elbows to push himself up, his hair stuck to his forehead. He wiped the sleep out of his eyes and stretched like a cat, reaching as far up as his lean arms would go, wiggling his fingers and flopping them back to his side.

He stood and picked up the book he had been reading when he feel asleep the night before, 100 Years of Solitude, and marked his page. Louis was still in the habit of having a good novel wrap up his day.

"Coming!" Louis called, but since he was annoyed at the unexpected wake up call he decided to brush his teeth and wash his face before answering the door.

Louis opened the door without looking through the spy-hole and to his surprise it was a woman in her early-thirties with red hair and a basket of goodies.

"Hello! I'm Carrie, your neighbor over at 1B. I heard from John yesterday that we had a newcomer on our floor, and well I guess that makes me the welcoming committee," she laughed and held up her basket as if it held the most precious treasure.

Louis leaned on the doorframe unamused, not sure how to respond to this woman and her cheerfulness at 7 in the morning. "....John?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.

"The landlord," she answered, never dropping her smile.

Louis was about to shut the door but he could see in her eyes that there wasn't a hint of sarcasm or dread. Instead, they were warm and brown and they instantly melted away his bad mood. It was like she could sense his annoyance lift off of him like a gray cloud. She reached for his hand and placed it over the handle of the woven basket.

"You have a good day sweetie and if you need anything, anything at all I'm just two doors down." She didn't wait for him to respond, she just let go of his hand and left. Louis stood perfectly still, his gaze not moving from the spot where her face used to be a few second before. He didn't go back inside until he heard the click of her door shutting.

He placed the basket on the counter and dragged his way back to his bedroom. He had originally planned on plopping down on his bed and not getting up until noon but he remembered the lady at the door. What was her name? Carrie? He remembered the way she smiled with her teeth and they way that her eyes shined with warmth. It made her look younger and full of spirit. He liked her. Even if she did ring people's door bells at 7 in the morning on a Saturday. He wondered what she was doing today so early in the morning. He wondered if she was as happy as she seemed.

Louis got dressed and decided to explore the new town he'd learn to call home. He put on his best walking shoes and grabbed a light jacket. It was the middle of August and the perfect time to go walking. Who knows? He might even come across a few 'Now Hiring' signs.

Louis walked into the bathroom before heading out. His shoes making scuffing noises against the floor. He closed the bathroom door, not yet used to living in a house by himself.

Louis held his breath while he looked at himself in the mirror. The breath holding was a nervous habit but him looking at his own reflection was something he rarely did. He gripped onto the edge of the counter until his knuckles turned as white as the sink and his hands shook. He dropped his head and let out an exasperated sigh, peering down into the drain.

He noticed a single tear at the tip of his nose. He watched it dangle and hang for a few seconds more until it finally lost its battle and dripped down. He watched it lazily slide down into the drain. Louis sucked in a sharp breath and splashed cold water in his face. He thought about his lonesome tear on its adventure in the drains and the pipes. He imagined it mixed with the other water from different people in different parts of the apartment building. Were there any other tears dripping into sink drains? 

He opened the bathroom door, dried his face and decided he was going to make it through one more day.

Trying to avoid any other neighbors, Louis hastily made his way down the hallway, he looked down at his feet while he walked and noticed the multicolored rug that stretched the whole length of the hallway. It was made up of different hues but dull enough that it wasn't excessively obnoxious. The quick movement of his feet in contrast to the unwavering rug made Louis' head spin. He passed the window with the view of the skyscrapers in the distance and down the stairway that creaked and groaned.

Louis decided to turn right on the pavement because... well, he wanted to start his day off right.

He walked and looked at the trees plotted every few yards along the sidewalk. He watched the people stroll on by, some of them meeting eyes with him and sending him a friendly stranger smile. 'Friendly stranger, is that an oxymoron?' Louis thought, his mouth turned up at one side. Louis didn't realized he wasn't smiling back at the people who had flashed him one and there was a pang of guilt that rang in his chest. He was just worried his smile would look more like a grimace than anything else.

Could they see that he was aching on the inside? Did they care? Louis felt the cold sting of the air in his eyes and pulled his beanie lower. Louis suddenly recalled all the people he had passed just now. We're any of them hurting? Did they feel that heaviness in their chest while they walked? Louis would never know so he decided to stop thinking about it. About all the pie ole in the world and all the hurt. 

He continued on walking, admiring the architecture, keeping a look out for now hiring signs and occasionally stopping to check out a store or restaurant.

Louis was in the middle of wondering how someone found the rug that was long enough to cover his building's hallway and if they were specially made when he noticed a 'For Sale' sign. It was hanging in front of a bookshop with someone's last name sprawled over the entrance. 

Curiosity got the best of him and Louis stepped into the shop after hovering near the window for a bit. The space was bigger than it looked like from the outside. It was made up of dark wood which gave it a homey feel. It only had two large windows which were in the front on either side of the door. The rest of the room was lit by lamps placed around the room. There were bookshelves that reached up to the ceiling on the three other walls and the front half of the space had a maze of shelves that reached up to just below chin level. On the right side was an older lady behind a counter. She had looked up when she heard the little bell on the door ring, announcing Louis' arrival. Her eyes were the clearest shade of blue and Louis felt like he was drowning in the Pacific Ocean.

He wasn't sure why but Louis was sad that the shop was closing. He saw himself in the future going there regularly and enjoying the new selection of novels and stories. How could Louis miss something that he had never had before? Why was he dreading the removal of this old bookstore that he had never been in before? 

Before he could stop himself, Louis was asking the lady with the crystal eyes about the sign that hung on the window. She stepped out from behind the cash register and told him to follow her, grabbing a stack of books from behind the counter. The woman led Louis through the maze of shelves, every once in a while putting back one of the books from the stack in her arms.

Louis saw that the shelves were only half filled, if that. Most of them only had a few books and they were just laying there, begging to be read. Louis recognized quite a few and took notice of some new titles that caught his eye.

The half of the space in the back was made up of mismatched furniture and rugs, it was made to look like a reading lounge of some sort. Good but not harsh lighting, a fireplace in the corner, sofas and bean bags. Louis instantly felt at peace. And there sitting in the middle of it was an old man, head bent, reading glasses perched on the tip of his nose, completely immersed in his novel.

The woman cleared her throat, "dearie, there's a young man here asking about the for sale sign" she turned to me, and in the soft light there was still a trace of the youthful beauty she once had. There was still that spark in her eye that had made the man on the sofa weak in the knees some time ago.

"Selling the shop was his idea, said it was time we settle down and get comfortable. If you ask me he's just getting lazy," she added with a wink, sitting down next to her husband. She looked around, rambling as if I had already purchased the space. "Most of the furniture will stay, whatever you decide to keep. You don't even have to continue this as a bookstore you can turn it into whatever you like." She rubbed the spot next to her on the sofa, smiling down as if she just remembered everything that that old piece of furniture had done for her.

The man on the sofa put his book down and took off his glasses in one swift motion as if he only realized our presence just then. He looked at me with a squint. "Yes, well..." He said, never breaking eye contact, with his glasses still in his left hand he pointed his arm to the ceiling, "There's a few leaks here and there when it rains, you can get them patched up or you can stick a bucket under it. I don't mind it too much, the rhythm makes it easier to get lost in books." Ahhh, Louis' language.

For the first time that day Louis found himself smiling a true and honest smile. He looked at the old couple sitting next to each other and turned his head to take in the space. It really was a beautiful place and the couple sitting next to him were also very beautiful. He looked at them and the way they loved the stories surrounding the three of them and instantly thought of his mother. He knew right then and there that he was going to buy it.

He stuck his arm out with the grin still on his face. It felt right. The old man on the sofa shook his hand. Louis knew in his heart he was moving in the right direction. 


End file.
